How to deal with a child that doesn't listen to their parents ?

This is one of the common topics which every parent of a kid will be thinking of. If your child is not listening to what you are saying then you are not the only one who is facing this issue. Parents may have to deal with this kind of issue throughout their life if it is not corrected at the right time. Correction need not be done on a child's end. But parents might have changed the way they are handling their kids. Yelling or raising your hands at a kid is not the only solution. Gradually, it becomes a habit and you feel the comfort in handling kid by yelling or raising your hands him/her at that point of time to handle the situation. Do not scold or raise your voice on your kids in front of other people. They lose their self-confidence and starts hiding their feelings.

Kids generally get disturbed psychological if they watch their parents yelling at each other regularly. They lose respect for their parents and they tend to become quite. It is every parents' responsibility to set the right example for kids on leading life happily, the concept of marriage, mutual understanding, building trust, supporting each other, loving and caring. Once they start building grudge on parents who is more abusive, they stop listening to them. It is every parents' responsibility to create a good impression on each other. For example, A mother should never say 'Your father is a bad human' or A father should not day 'Your mother rid bad human' to his/her kids. This creates a permanent impression on a kids mind and will tend to hate his/her parents throughout his/her life. Be their friend first. Bring out the kid in you sometimes to make them feel that they have a good companion. Try to do the way they want initially to get them on your track. Once they gain confidence. They will start listening to you. Pat them for the good work they do. 

Extrovert kids born to introvert parents suffer from the restriction that the parent put on socializing with people. Kids become stubborn and start expressing his/her anger in various forms by not following the instructions given by the parents. Each kid is different and hence the formula that needs to be applied is different. Every parent expects the kid to match with their frequency. It leads to stress if that doesn't match. Few kids develop stage fear if the parents are abusive. They do not feel comfortable if they are surrounded by people. Cultivate the habit of asking how was their day, what all challenges they faced for the day and teach them how to deal with it. Talk to them closely to know more about their feelings. It is not a matter of joy if they have started playing alone. Parents might get temporary happiness thinking that kid is engaged and not disturbing them. They will get used to it and they will not socialize with people in the school, colleague etc in future. Kids born in this generation are very active, sharp, intelligent, advanced and matured.

Staying strong in front of kids is necessary. Fighting with the spouse, yelling on your spouse, crying, physically and mentally abusing your spouse may create a negative impact on the kid. They may develop a negative impression on the parent who is abusive from a very young age. It is very difficult to erase that from kids mind later. Show them the positive side of marriage. Show Love, respect, support, care for each other in front of kids to some extent. Kids who grow up watching their parents fight will have a negative impression on marriage and they decide not to get married in their life. 

If both the parents are working, kids feel left out. Even if we arrange for the alternative it won't suffice their expectations. Kids expect time and attention from parents. Excessive set of rules set by parents may turn a kid to develop stubbornness. They get jail like feeling at home. Do not threaten your kids to the core to teach them the lesson. If you keep threatening, yelling or raise your hands for small things, It will lose its value gradually. It will not have any effect on them. It becomes quite normal and it will not be effective way to right way to correct your kids mistakes. 

"Be the change you want to see in your kids"

A more helpful approach is something called gentle discipline. The gentle discipline focuses on teaching and learning instead of punishing your kids. It focuses on having realistic, age-appropriate expectations and working with your kids. It focuses on being patient, compassionate and mindful. It focuses on setting boundaries and inspiring your kids “to be better and do better, while you work to set a great example for them.”

One of the biggest mistakes parents make is giving their kids negative commands, as in “stop running!” and “don’t touch that!” With the former, because kids have poor logical reasoning skills and poor impulse control, it’s not obvious to them what they should do instead of not running. Hence they start defending by shouting or getting physical. Instead use positive instruction, such as: “Walk, please,” and “Hands by your side, please.” 

It’s hard for kids to follow a series of instructions. To communicate at their developmental level, give your child only one command at a time to focus on. For instance, “Please get your shoes.” Then when your child comes back, say, “Please put your shoes on.”

This is my personal favourite. Make it fun. “Play is how children learn, connect, bond and communicate.” Which is why making your requests fun into a game, a race, a song especially if your kids are already absorbed in some kind of play. For example: If you are facing difficulty in feeding the food. Convert that into a game, sing a song, light dance, include putting food in the mouth as one of the steps in the dance and use funny voice to get their attention. Don't play with kids just for the sake of playing. Do it wholeheartedly. Don't do anything just for the sake of doing it. Cuddle and pamper whenever it is required. A young child needs a lot of different sensory stimulation for normal development. Skin contact, or physical touch such as hugging, is one of the most important stimulations required to grow a healthy brain and a strong body.

We tend to speak to our kids in ways we wouldn’t want to be spoken to. That is, how would you feel if someone kept asking you to stop doing what you’re doing as an adult which was very fun and important to you. But you are commanded to do something else. Would you like to controlled and commanded all the time? So do kids.

Apply the reverse strategy. This works with most of the kids. Kids love to break the rules. They do an exactly opposite thing to satisfy their naughty side of the heart. If you want to get something done from them. Just say do not do it. They will do that thing for sure. Parents often show their frustration on their kids. It could be because of work-related tension or differences that you have with your spouse.

We as parents should ask these questions to ourselves. Why is my child behaving this way? We should evaluate the reason for such behaviour and figure out if the kid is acting in an age-appropriate way. They learn as and when they grew up. How is my child feeling? Look for the underlying reason behind their behaviour. Maybe they’re sad or scared. Maybe they’re feeling inadequate. Maybe they’re craving for your attention. What am I trying to teach my child when I discipline them? Maybe you want to help them manage their emotions or grasp good sleep hygiene or understand that doing chores is part of living as a family. Parents should not fight in front of children. It affects the brain and overall development of the kid. Before expecting anything from the kid we should check our lifestyle. It acts as an example to the kid and they follow and imitate most of the thing parents do. Create a disciplined routine. For example, If you are expecting the kid to go to bed and sleep early and wake early then we as a parent should cultivate that habit first. 

Rewarding kids for all their good work one of the most encouraging thing that a parent can do. Appreciate often for their good work. Set some fun rules. We can set some reward for the work that they do. That way they get encouraged to learn things quickly.Set up playing sessions. Dedicate some time to play with kids. Pampering kid is also the most effective way to make them feel better. Pamper them often! Respect their needs. Involve them in taking decisions. They should feel that their opinion matters. 

Ultimately, whether our kids aren’t listening to us or are struggling with some other behaviour issue, one of the best things we can do is to empathize with them. Even parents were kids once upon a time and they would have done their share of mischievous things. If kids are throwing the tantrum all the time, adamant to do things, cranky at times then you are not doing it in the right way. Parents should work out on the solutions that work on their kids. 

Let kids be kids. They shout their heart out, mess up things, throw tantrums, do mischievous things, do few things to grab their attention and be cranky. It is quite common. That is why we call them kids. We as an adult cannot do all these things. We have to allow them to experience the essence of life. It is for a very limited period of time you can enjoy their innocence. They grow up fast. Don't miss this phase. Surprising, few kids talk in a matured way unexpectedly. That is due to the kind of environment they are exposed to at home. Let them do a few basic mischievous things. It is cute to watch them doing it. 

I personally do not like physically abusing kids. Their body will not be ready to take such things. It will deeply impact their minds. That doesn't mean we should not correct their mistakes. We can apply the "Gentle discipline" concept to make them a good human being. They do not know anything. They learn from what they see and the kind of environment they are exposed to. Kids are just a reflection of their parents. None of the parents are perfect. So do kids are!

Parents at least have some work to do. But what about kids in this pandemic situation? What should they do? Hats off to all the kids who are trying their best to keep themselves occupied. They are not even allowed to play outside with other kids.

Bring out the kid in you. Be a good friend, mentor, teacher and buddy to your kid.

Do let me know your opinion.

Disclaimer: I am writing this blog with my own experience. The way kids should be handled may vary case to case basis.

See you in my next blog.